05: From the Inbox: Toddler Sleep Question
In This Episode:
In this week’s episode, Jessica identifies various patterns she’s seen her clients' children exhibit when fighting bedtime or middle of the night wakings and steps you can confidently take to get your family back on track. Jessica discusses a variety of coping skills that children develop that builds their confidence in themselves and the world around them. You are the one to set the boundaries and Jessica can help you through the process if you need a more detailed plan for your unique child.
The Big Idea
Your child is a communicator and problem solver - your job is to help them build their own skills to get good sleep.
Questions I Answer
Is it normal for children to wake between sleep cycles?
Is it possible for my child to sleep through the night?
How to stop my child’s middle of the night wakeups?
How to help my child have a better mood in the morning?
How to set a bedtime routine for my child?
Actions to Take
Work on your own confidence - Have a conversation with yourself around your child’s different cries and which ones you could resist taking action on, allowing them to problem solve. Feel free to include your partner or others that help put your child to bed.
Work on your child’s confidence - brainstorm ways you can help your child notice this pattern and the action plan to fix it
Work on following through
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(00:03):
Welcome to the Good Morning podcast. I'm your host, Jessica Bryant. I'm a pediatric sleep strategist and founder of Sleep Happy Consulting. Many parents today are spinning their wheels, living from sun up to sundown in a cycle of overwhelm, frustration, and some serious exhaustion. I'm here to tell you there is another way. Let's follow that frustration together. Find out what's not working so you can decide to change course confidently and move towards a better tomorrow. A better tomorrow starts with a good morning. Having good mornings is more than sleep. It's about being intentional with how you set your child up for success in the world, how you show your child to care for their mind, their bodies, and others so they can reach their full potential. And you, you are the best person for the job. So let's decide to have a good morning.
(01:15):
Hello friends, and welcome to the Good Morning Podcast. I'm your host, Jessica Bryant. This is episode five “From The Inbox: Toddler Sleep Question”. I thought it would be fun to do something a little different today and take the wording and the question straight from an email that I received recently at 12:31 AM <laugh> and I know parents of young children can relate to being up in the middle of the night, being fresh out of ideas, frustrated and just craving to get back to sleep themselves, but also at the same time wanting to nurture and care for their child. And when this becomes a pattern and starts happening every night, you know, many times it's hard to know what to do next. It's hard to know with all the messages surrounding us and parenting today, which method to take, what approach or where to go. So that's what we're gonna talk about today, very specifically about a parent question that I received.
(02:32):
And you know, opening the email, what really stood out for me and really connected with my heart was the words I feel bad because I never know what he really needs without going in. So this is in terms of occasional wakes in the middle of the night for an almost three year old, I feel bad because I never know what he really needs without going in. So let's, let's dive in. I know that parents want everyone in their home to sleep all night, assuming it's age appropriate, but know that if they have a true need, that their parents are there for them. And that's definitely what we're building. That's what your child is learning every day by your approach and how you care for them during the day. You're feeding them, you're playing with them, you're making sure that everything, all their basic needs are taken care of and that they're loved and snuggled.
(03:39):
So your child is learning that each day as they learn and grow. I want you to know that sleeping through the night is possible. So often today it's just everyone throws it around like it's a myth. Yes, 11 to 12 hours of sleep at night for babies, toddlers, preschoolers is possible. Yes, absolutely. We have children who have medical needs in the middle of the night. We have children who eat in different ways. So they have to be fed more frequently. For, in general, your healthy growing child can sleep through the night. You know, whether that's a 10 hour night, some two year olds who are sleeping 10 hours at night because they're taking a pretty chunky nap. But in general, on the spectrum, 11 to 12 hours at night is possible. And some of that time they're laying awake and they're calming their bodies to go to sleep.
(04:44):
So that is what we're talking today. And you know, I want to really remind parents that if you're feeling frustrated, that's your cue to trust it and to follow it and to listen to just what your heart is saying. Just what your mind is saying because you know your children's best. So here is the email that arrived in my inbox in the middle of the night. "My almost three year old who falls asleep independently at bedtime and naps well has been waking up once a night. It's been happening for a couple months. It was happening more than once a night when he was sick. But now most of the time it is for trivial things like to get his lovey, to put his blanket back on him, or to give him a sip of water, which comforts him. We are over it." <laugh> Have you ever felt that way families? You know, just the pattern that keeps happening that you keep trying to get past is just not changing and you are over it. I think that's a great signal. I think we should listen to it. So she finishes the email with, "I'm tempted to start letting him work it out tomorrow. But I also feel bad cause I'll never know what he really needs without going in. What are your thoughts on this age group?" <laugh> and she signed it. "Now back to sleep". <laugh>. So what stands out to me is what's holding her back back from making a decision and helping her child get back to sleeping through the night is her confidence. And you know, whether that is coming from, you know, a prior experience, whether that is coming from messages that she sees with friends who keep just saying, oh, just it's fine, it's just, it's normal.
(06:43):
But at the same time, her getting her body up and going down the hall, or maybe even upstairs for the lovey hand back, the cover up is, is wearing on her because it's breaking her sleep. And she could be pregnant, she could have a newborn. You know, we don't know. Or I know for a fact they have an older child. So keep in mind that only you know what you need. And if your body is saying, I can't do this anymore, this pattern is not working and not healthy for us, absolutely you can change it. And so, you know, the confidence is what she's lacking and asking for in this email to me in this instant of 12:30 in the morning. Because she's worried that she will miss her child having a true need. In fact, what's happening is she's continuing to condition a pattern so that that two year old knows anytime he wakes up in the middle of the night before he's problem solving or fixing things, he's immediately calling out for a parent.
(07:54):
And that pattern is happening next. You know, I roll around, I'm transitioning cycles, it's very normal for me to wake between cycles. I open my eyes, okay, where's mom? You know, where's dad? I'm gonna call for them. I'm gonna see, I'm gonna test it out. I'm gonna call them and then I'm gonna tell them what they need. And then all of a sudden we've got a pattern that we've conditioned for. And it could have related to the sickness. Absolutely, I hear it all the time. That little ones, you know, they, they've been sleeping great since five months. You know, for example, they get sick at 13 months and so of course you needed to go in and address things or, or give medicine or you know, help relieve congestion, those kind of things. And the child's like, oh, I can see you at night. We can, we can possibly maybe have a party.
(08:47):
Okay, tomorrow night when my eyes open, I'm gonna see if we can party. So they're testing it, they're problem solving it. So one of the things that I want to make sure that I specify is the difference between trivial and a need. So trivial is the word that this mom uses to describe her child's need for a lovey to put the comforter back on, to have a sip of water. And all of those things in her mind are tasks that her two year old can, can do himself and he doesn't need help doing versus a need in the middle of the night at 12:30 AM a need is, I am sick, I am hurt, I am wet. You know, if something is off in my bed or my room, you know, the power went out and it came back on and all my lights are on, you know, or things like that.
(09:47):
My pajamas are, you know, hurting me. Those kind of things. So making the delineation between what is a trivial in her words versus a need or discomfort where you need that help from that parent, that's really important to make that delineation for in this conversation. The other thing I wanna make sure that you know is normal, because I get questions all the time, is that young children, babies included, can wake in the night for periods of time waiting to fall back asleep and not need anything. Very often I get phone calls from parents who "Something's wrong, Jessica, I messed something up". And I'll say, no you haven't, I promise you. "Well my baby, my nine month old is laying awake for 45 minutes in the middle of the night". And I'll say, oh my goodness, are they crying? Oh my goodness, they're crying for that long.
(10:48):
You know, I know that they are an independent sleeper and their bedtime's really well going well and things like that. And, and the parent definitely agrees and they say, "no, they're not crying". Okay then they're not calling out for a need. They're not upset. "No, they're just lying awake" <laugh>. And I wanna say, how do you know? Are you waking up and looking at that video screen? "Yes, I got up to go to the bathroom and I checked on them". Just remember, your child is a communicator. If they are content and resting, we can leave them be, especially in the middle of the night. It's very common for babies to look awake or to lay awake and wait for sleep to come back on, just like adults do. And think about it, in 2003, when I had my first child, we didn't have video monitors. If she was quiet, if I didn't hear her on the audio monitor or I didn't hear her when I walked down the hall, I automatically assumed she was asleep or content.
(11:58):
So <laugh>, those, those monitors I hear all the time from parents can be a double edged sword because it's so fun to look at your sleeping baby, but at the same time, not fun when it's causing you to lose sleep. So remember, it's very normal for children to be awake in the night and not have a need. It is very normal for children to wake between cycles, occasionally making noise, you know, just a couple of transition noises or wis as they go to the next cycle. That isn't a cause for, you know, you to fix awake times or anything like that. Occasionally I have parents who, who are worried about those one to two minute kind of noisy transitions. That's very normal. And when children are waking up and they need their lovey, they need to fix their blanket, they some need to find their pacifier, those kind of, those are all coping skills we can teach and empower them to problem solve and take care of in the night.
(13:02):
I also have strategy for my older three and four year olds to build on that coping strategy to help them continue to be feeling their most empowered, strong and capable through this school age years. So I share that with families all the time. Building coping skills in the middle of the night is prioritizing health, healthy habits, good sleep, and therefore good mornings, I'm sensing from this email mornings are not so great right now with these wakes. So I definitely wanna help this client address that. Okay, let's talk about what can we do to build confidence and feel confident about making those next steps to help your child work out of this pattern that they're currently conditioned for. And to kind of break that habit in a sense and improve sleep. So we've noted that this has become a pattern for this toddler. And we've also labeled the wake ups trivial, you know, in terms of mom's word in that what they need they can actually do for themselves if we give them a chance to problem solve.
(14:13):
So we've acknowledged that we've conditioned a new pattern that, that the child is opening his eyes and instantly calling out versus problem solving and using age appropriate coping skills to settle himself back to sleep or wait for sleep to come back on. So when parents ask this question, this, this is my little pep talk that I suggest. Remember, you have built open lines of communication in your house with your children and your child has great sleep routines and is well rested, and you are an expert in your child's communication. So you know the difference in his cries. You just have gotten into a place where your mind is telling you that all cries could be a real need. And so you've been testing that theory by going in and you're getting to the point where you're like, this is not working, this is not a true need.
(15:12):
And PS I'm exhausted. So have a conversation with yourself. You know, your child's different cries, you know their pain cry, you know that it sounds different than the normal cry calling out in the middle of the night. And maybe this two year old is pretty happy kiddo and is not crying very much. So you haven't heard the pain cry in a while, and maybe that's why you're a little bit more apprehensive and worried that you really wanna put your eyes on him to know what he needs. But in a sense that's causing more and more wake up. So we've gotta change the response pattern. We've gotta stay out of the room and allow the child to problem solve. So that's what I am tackling with this parent today. I'm encouraging them to remind themselves of what skills they have to stay confident through this reset process.
(16:09):
You know, your child's pain cry, you know, your child's protest, or I'm mad to be awake, cry. I wanna go back to sleep cry. And we're not saying that we're ignoring the pain cry. Okay? And for those of you, you are saying, well, I don't know what the pain cry is. Typically for a young child, a pain cry is an instantaneous high pitch piercing cry. You know, think in terms of my, you know, three year old is running down the street and they trip and they skin their knee. You know, what is that? What is that cry? What is that? You cut yourself, you know, chopping something in the kitchen as an adult and you're like, ah, you know, it's instantaneous. Whereas a protest cry generally has a slow climb, like a medium cry, and then, uh, well that's not really good. But, um, a medium cry and then it continues to climb and climb and climb, almost like to reach a peak.
(17:15):
And then it's really hysterical and really mad, but it was a slower climb. And you're not always gonna hear that in the middle of the night. But just making a distinction between a pain cry and a I'm mad to be awake, cry. Just mentally talking yourself through that and maybe your partner has a different way to explain it. Have that discussion either with yourself or with your partner to just remind yourself you do know these things and you do have instincts and you know your child so that you're just almost giving yourself a pep talk. Like I have to trust him. What I was doing was not working and it was building frustration. And now as the parent, I've got to change my actions and give him a chance to problem solve that. Wake up and learn, he can put himself back to sleep. And the other thing I will point out that this mom mentions the child had been sick recently and was waking more frequently at night.
(18:13):
That's a great example of the differences in the cries or the body language when he didn't feel good. And it's also the environment like, you know, okay, my child didn't feel wasn't a hundred percent today, did it feel good? May need medicine in the middle of the night, may need an extra hug in the middle of the night, but we're doing this while they are sick and I am meeting their needs once they're feeling all themselves. And once the sickness is gone, I'm gonna reset our general sleep needs and routines so that we're back on track and we're not getting sick again and we can stay healthy. So circling back, feel the frustration you're feeling, let that be a guide for you to create an actions plan for next steps. And in this case, mom knew what she wanted to do. She needed that pep talk for that extra confidence to kind of follow through.
(19:09):
Now, the second piece after you've built your own confidence as the parent is, how can I help my child notice this new pattern? And here's the action plan, similar to what I often give my families in my practice when we're working one on one. Have a conversation away from sleep during playtime or a meal the beginning of the day to set new expectations. You know, mommy and daddy are in charge of making sure you sleep healthy. And right now we're not sleeping healthy. And then for that child, the next question is so important, get down on their level and what is your job at bedtime? And yes, many two year olds are not talking full sentences and paragraphs and going to answer this. That's not important here. What's important is that you're communicating confidence to your child. Then you can assign jobs to your child.
(20:07):
And one of them would be, you know, it's your job to rest your body and close your eyes at bedtime. And then Johnny, what happens in the middle of the night if you wake up, it's not helpful for mommy to come in and find your lovey or cover you up. It's your job if you wake up to get comfortable and wait for sleep to come on. So you can get the blankie and you can fix the lovey because you know how to make yourself feel comfortable and remind them of the expectations of staying in their room all night and let them know that you will not be able to help them with the lovey or the blanket in the night because they're gonna take care of it. And so that's just one example. Of course you can change the words, of course you can build your own job chart.
(21:00):
But when you have that little pep talk with your child and you're reminding them that you are the one to set the boundaries, that right, you've stated the problem and now your child is part of the solution. So you are, you're resetting the sleep routines in partnership with your child. And often that feels really good to parents and it feels like you've kind of laid out a framework. Now that does not mean that your child is just gonna go to sleep that night and magically sleep through the night and you're never gonna hear them. They are gonna think about it. They are going to be curious and they're going to test the pattern. But they are looking for you to stick with the framework you laid out for them and be consistent and have that opportunity. And it may not be their favorite, right? You're their favorite, but you are getting the sleep that you need so you can snuggle and play and be the parent you dreamed of the next day, not the exhausted, grouchy, irritable parent that the wake up for the random lovey at a different time every night is building frustration and self doubt.
(22:18):
And as one mom said, “I spelled my name wrong yesterday because that's how tired I am”<laugh>. So we've got a framework, we've set their expectations. And then the next piece is follow through. Give your child a night to three nights of you being very consistent for them to understand the new pattern. And usually with sleepers like this little boy, it takes one to two nights max. And that next morning, oh, you open the door and you say, good morning. I am so proud of you. I'm working so hard to on the new pattern, to get your body back to sleep, to find your lovey, to wait until sleep comes on, whatever word you wanna say. But letting your child know that they did have a job and letting them know that you are watching for their success and you are making note of it. And most of the time these little guys are so excited to share, they feel so strong and important because they use their coping skills in the middle of the night and their parent noticed.
(23:28):
So how great is that? I know what you're thinking. Okay, great. This is, this is interesting. But what if in the middle of the three days, the three days, you said, Jessica, I need to go in because we've got a pain cry. Absolutely trust it. Go in, help your child. I am not ever saying that you should not respond to a pain cry or a cry for help. The difference is making sure you know the difference between a mad that I'm awake cry versus a pain cry. And for some families that could be trial and error. That's okay. Just reflect on it and say, oh, I thought he was in so much pain. I went in, he smiled at me clearly he wasn't uncomfortable, you know, versus, oh, I went in and oh, I could smell it when I walked in. He's, he's spit up, he's, you know, thrown up.
(24:29):
He has a poopy diaper and you address that, give a snuggle and whatever you need to do to then finish the night. So to wrap it up, our quick win for today is you, you know more than you give yourself credit for about your child. You know their communication, you know their cues. Take a moment in the crazy, give yourself a little pep talk and to create the kind of plan to work out of the middle of the night. Wake up and get back to your great nights of sleep. You know your child's communication and you can trust yourself because you will all be sleeping better so quickly. If you enjoyed what you heard today, please leave a review. As a brand new podcast your review means the world to us and helps us in our mission of lifting up more moms and dads and helping more families have good mornings.
(25:37):
I sure hope you left feeling encouraged. I loved hanging out with you today, and I am so grateful you were here. If you would like more information about Sleep Happy, be sure to visit our website at sleephappyconsulting.com and sign up for our weekly emails. If you liked what you heard today, please share this podcast with your friends or your favorite parenting group. I can't wait to get to know you and learn more about how I can lift you up in the journey of parenting. Fulfilled families are our mission. I'm Jessica Bryant and this is The Good Mornings Podcast.
Jessica Bryant helps parents stop fighting sleep with their young children. She provides strategies to help babies sleep through the night, take naps, and stay healthy.
